Sorry I have been MIA for awhile…summer play, summer job and boyfriend have been keeping me quite busy. But now I’m done with work for the summer, and getting ready to head back to school. Thankfully, I was able to take a few days off before leaving to get some rest and, ummm, oh yeah. PACK.
Prepping to go back to school has brought up a lot of emotions and feelings. Slight dread, exhaustion, anxiety, apprehension and fear, to name a few. It seems like all of them can be explained: slight dread – my schedule will be jam-packed and it’s my 9th semester. I’m just about checked out! Exhaustion – see “slight dread”. Anxiety – see “exhaustion”. Apprehension – “See “anxiety”. Fear – well…there is fear about the previously mentioned items, but there really shouldn’t be all out fear about these things. And what if the fear is what causes those other feelings? Could it be that fear is robbing me of any fun that I might find in my last semester of college (oh my gosh, my last semester….)
It would make sense. Fear has robbed the joy from other things too.
Fear of having to increase a size has taken joy out of clothes shopping.
Fear of my old clothes not fitting has taken joy out of putting together a fun outfit every day.
Fear of gaining weight used to remove all joy from eating tasty, different foods.
Fear of gaining weight used to suck the joy out of walks – I walked to burn calories, not to just feel better in general.
See, fear is nasty. And it likes to attack from all sides. Those fears listed above are just a few. I’m nervous about the commute for student teaching, for student teaching itself, for finances. I’m afraid of judgement from people I haven’t seen all summer – ED wants me to believe that when they see me, their first thought will be “Wow, she’s put on some weight….”
There is no thief like fear.
Jason Gray wrote a song with that title:
Fear will take the best of us
Then come back for the rest of us
Its raging hunger never satisfied
It’s closer than a brother
And more jealous than a lover
Who holds you while it swallows you alive
Let down your guard
And it will steal your heart
There’s no thief like fear, no
There’s no thief like fear.
I think he hit the nail on the head.
Where is fear stealing the joy in your life?