More and more, I’m seeing and understanding that a loving slap in the face isn’t such a bad thing. Sure, it stings, but if it brings about some change, it’s probably good, yes? Yes.
In my last post, I talked about some things I’ve been dealing with lately, and the possibility of spending some time in an inpatient eating disorder center. Which, by the way, certainly fits the description of a stinging, but healthy slap in the face. Yesterday, I had a discussion with a professor that led to yet another figurative whack.
And what was that whack? Well it went like this:
-I tell the professor that I’ve been struggling this semester, and have lost weight.
-After asking some other questions, the professor asks who my roommates are. I tell him the name of the one he knows.
-He borrows my phone to call her. Yes, you read that right. To call her.
-He tells her that I need some help, and he’d like her (and my other roommates) to eat and/or prepare meals with me.
Now, don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a bad thing. Team work on meal prep and planning is going to be great! Last night, cooking with one of my roomies was SO fun! But it was a slap because it proved that I need help. What a revelation, eh? 😉
But there are a few things that make asking for help comparable to walking a tightrope. Or skydiving. Or really, doing anything that would give me a need to be brave.
The ED voice.
The moment someone offers to help or the moment I think of asking for help, it’s:
No, don’t ask for help. It’s not that bad.
If you ask for help, you’ll be such a burden.
How could you impose on them by asking for help?
Things like that make it really scary to ask for help.
But what a liar that ED voice is. My head knows those things aren’t true, but my heart has trouble believing.
*Now, hear this. I’m not writing about these things to fish for attention or affirmation. I write these things for the sake of being open and with the hope that if someone else is experiencing thoughts like this, they will be able to recognize them as lies.
Pride is part of the human condition…as in it’s NOT unique to eating disorders. However, it certainly plays a role in the struggle to humble myself and ask for help. And sometimes, it takes bravery to let down a facade, built in pride, to be humble.
You know, I can do this on my own.
If I can’t do it on my own, I won’t be able to do it at all.
I’m the only one who can actually make the choice for me to get well…I can do it without help.
Ha. Yeah right. This attitude hurts every person around me who WANTS to help. It pushes away their kind and caring words and their attempts to do something for me. It laughs and shrugs off any attempt for someone to show concern over the small amount I’ve chosen to eat at a certain time. My prideful attitude tells God I don’t need him to help me recover, and throws all of the ‘helps’ he’s provided right back in his face. And maybe, just maybe, my prideful attitude makes it more difficult for me to ask God for help.
That stings. After all, because Jesus lived as a man, we can approach the throne of God boldly so that we can receive grace and mercy in our time of need (my paraphrase of Hebrews 4:14-16).
God gave us fellowship and community in order to hold each other accountable and lift each other up. God gave me roommates who love and care deeply, but I have to accept their help and allow their gentle correction and guidance. We need each other – for fellowship, for support, for correction, for help.
Take a listen to this song. It’s not the greatest quality recording, but I think you’ll get the idea 🙂
We were meant to have open hearts, but in fear, we lock them up; we don’t want to get hurt. But, by the grace of God, we’re given each other to unlock our hearts. The key is “each other.”
May we all be brave enough to ask for help.